Three years ago I was feeling very lost and anxious in my life.
My life with horses looked as if on it’s peak. I leased a Grand Prix horse and I was learning all advanced movements, I had my own horses and was training with Olympic medalists. My personal life seemed fine, too. I was married to a wonderful man and I had a fine job.
But each day I woke up around 4 or 5 am and I could not sleep.
I felt helplessly lost and afraid. Thoughts were running through my head like super fast trains and I literally felt trapped on the rails…
One day I woke up and felt so helplessly afraid that I didn’t know what to do…I was terrified, I felt like a small, scared animal. It was the most primitive and true fear I have ever experienced.
But I started repeating “Jesus, I trust in you… I trust…. I trust… I trust…”
Out of the blue.
After an hour or so for the first time in years I fell again to sleep and slept like a child.
And everything changed.
My life with horses changed.
My personal life changed.
My marriage changed.
Everything changed for the better.
I surrendered to God.
I let myself be guided. I understood how much I was scared in my life. Because I had no faith in my life I was convinced that life is very dangerous and accidental. Random. By any means I tried to control my life and the life with my horses. I thought that this control will bring me peace… Each time I was with my horses I was terrified. I was feeling weak and fragile. And they, as the opposite, seemed to me as strong and unpredicted manifestations of Nature, of which I was afraid.
Every time in my life something accidental happened even for the good, that was not planed, I felt even more afraid.
Everything changed when I surrendered to God.
I understood that everything that is happening to me is sent by Him and is sent to help me. To help me change my ways and save my soul.
It also stroke me that each time we ask God for things, health and better life in our prayers we show that we don’t trust and we are still afraid. Afraid of illness, afraid of pain, afraid of being fragile.
But we are. And we have to surrender to it.
We have to surrender to God.
Each day I wake up and I repeat the same: Jesus, I trust.
Whatever you bring to my life I will accept as something that has been brought to help me.
I’m not longer afraid of Life.
I surrendered to God.
And everything, although not planned, is changing for the better. Day after day. And all the changes come from Nature, because Nature is manifestation of God.
All changes in my Life have been started by my horses.
And today it’s 2 years since this journey started…
And each day I surrender to God like a child.
And after three years look how many people you have inspired. :-) You and your work are a beautiful part of Nature. <3
I totally understand what you are talking about….the very same thing happened to me…. Thank you for sharing this !
Thank you for your words of understanding and support.
Thank you Anna for this post. I am realising that I am scared afraid and to not feel scared I work hard, really hard to be in control. I am feeling more and more in the moments of collapse and not having the answers, a palpable sensation mostly in my hands but also like a feathery duvets cocooning me that I am being held, like a child, safe from harm and it is there all the time. I am loved and never alone. I respect you and thank you for showing so clearly your journey!