Two years ago I was feeling very lost and anxious in my life.
My life with horses looked as if on it’s peak. I leased a Grand Prix horse and I was learning all advanced movements, I had my own horses and was training with Olympic medalists. My personal life seemed fine, too. I was married to a wonderful man and I had a fine job.
But each day I woke up around 4 or 5 am and I could not sleep.
I felt helplessly lost and afraid. Thoughts were running through my head like super fast trains and I literally felt trapped on the rails…
One day I woke up and felt so helplessly afraid that I didn’t know what to do…I was terrified, I felt like a small, scared animal. It was the most primitive and true fear I have ever experienced.
But I started repeating “Jesus, I trust in you… I trust…. I trust… I trust…”
Out of the blue.
After an hour or so for the first time in years I fell again to sleep and slept like a child.
And everything changed.
My life with horses changed.
My personal life changed.
My marriage changed.
Everything changed for the better.
I surrendered to God.
I let myself be guided. I understood how much I was scared in my life. Because I had no faith in my life I was convinced that life is very dangerous and accidental. Random. By any means I tried to control my life and the life with my horses. I thought that this control will bring me peace… Each time I was with my horses I was terrified. I was feeling weak and fragile. And they, as the opposite, seemed to me as strong and unpredicted manifestations of Nature, of which I was afraid.
Every time in my life something accidental happened even for the good, that was not planed, I felt even more afraid.
Everything changed when I surrendered to God.
I understood that everything that is happening to me is sent by Him and is sent to help me. To help me change my ways and save my soul.
It also stroke me that each time we ask God for things, health and better life in our prayers we show that we don’t trust and we are still afraid. Afraid of illness, afraid of pain, afraid of being fragile.
But we are. And we have to surrender to it.
We have to surrender to God.
Each day I wake up and I repeat the same: Jesus, I trust.
Whatever you bring to my life I will accept as something that has been brought to help me. I’m not longer afraid of Life.
I surrendered to God.
And everything, although not planned, is changing for the better. Day after day. And all the changes come from Nature, because Nature is manifestation of God.
All changes in my Life have been started by my horses.
And today it’s 2 years since this journey started…
And each day I surrender to God like a child.
Dear Anna, every one of your articles feeling so special…..this one as well…..being it God, the Universe, All That Is or whatever we wish to call it…
Yes, it is all about surrender…..it is all about our thoughts as well…. and having the courage to accept the consequences of our thoughts…..
It is all about forgiving…above all forgiving ourselves…
It is all about finding the answer to WHO DO YOU KNOW YOURSELF TO BE…an amazingly powerful spiritual BEING…..filled with LOVE and COMPASSION…
My journey to find the person God intended me to be has lead me to you.
Thank you so much Lee Ann Kagy. I feel very honoured to read your words.
This is beautiful Anna, Trusting rules! God has our back and nothing else matters as its all good.
So true and inspirational, this is how I feel for last few years, can not make a move and I am loosing connection with reality, can’t make any decision. I used to ride horses for so many years when I was younger and didn’t worry about life but now I am too afraid to do what I love, because I am not good enough and never will to make my living out of it, and do not want to loose time for other things. I am finishing study and can not find a job. I do not have a horse… Read more »